just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
