I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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