We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
