I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
