P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
