Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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