thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
