I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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