It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
