no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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