I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
