I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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