I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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