I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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