Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
there is puke in my bra ... again
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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