I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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