So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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