You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
