Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you win again, gameday.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
