My nipple is on Facebook.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
