I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Semen is not good for contacts.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
