Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
