Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
