Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
