He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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