my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
