my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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