my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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