hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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