dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
