Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
