I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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