So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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