Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
