umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
