dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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