Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
