Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
