dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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