I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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