Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
