Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
