I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
