Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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