she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
