did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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