Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
