You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
