Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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