Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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