Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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